Rend

Rend verb to tear (something) into two or more pieces  syn tear, rip, split, rupture, sever

What is God saying to you? Well, lately God has spoken to me through this song. "Rend" by Jimmy Needham has captured a hold of my heart. This is that song where it feels like it was written just for me right now. 

See, I'm fortunate enough now to be in a place where so much of me has been broken down. Everything I use to rely on and think was me has been stripped away. It's been a hard process but nothing has felt more right. Imagine God singing these lyrics to any of you that have been broken:

"You've been tarnished, you've been stained,

All the varnish you've used to cover up with is peeling away,

Yet even now, return to Me with nothing less than your wounded, broken heart

And cling to Me, Your gracious King

Be shattered glass of empty jars and rend

Rend, rend, rend, rend your heart

You've been tarnished and you've been stained

And all the varnish you've used to cover up with is peeling away

Yet even now, return to Me with nothing less than your wounded, broken heart

And cling to Me, Your gracious King

Be shattered glass of empty jars and rend

Rend, rend, rend, rend your heart

I don't need a grand display

Show me that your heart has changed

I don't need a show

Only just to know your own heart breaks

Yet even now, return to Me with nothing less than your wounded, broken heart

And cling to Me, Your gracious King

Be shattered glass of empty jars and rend

Rend, rend, rend, rend your heart"

Do you need to rend your heart? Is there a "varnish" that exists in your life?

Where's the Boat?

Ever feel like Jonah? That's exactly how I feel right now. I used to feel that God blessed me everywhere I went. It was almost like everything that I touched turned to gold. But now? Now I feel like everything I touch or become involved with just goes counter-clockwise down the ceramic bowl. 

Everything that I used to be good at is now more than a struggle. I don't get it. I'm not used to this. I know that I've posted about this before but you are lucky enough to get even more of this ranting now.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not upset. I'm amazed at the patience that I'm learning. And I don't think that I have disobeyed God in a way that is a precursor to being in a boat like Jonah. I mean surely I've disobeyed God lately, but I don't think I am being "punished" or even "awakened" by God so that I will do what His will does ask. 

I think more or less this is just God taking a certain level of protection off of me. But I know that the protection and the blessing that only God can give is still around...it just looks differently now and it just is being done/shown in a different way.

What do you think? Am I way off? Is this something God does?

Communication Styles

I am a public speaker. I try to learn more and more about how to communicate effectively. Today I want to look at two people.

Jesus. Short, sweet, to the point. Didn't butter up a crowd. Didn't warm them up with jokes. Didn't spoon feed people. Just showed compassion to the nonreligious crowd. Healed some, gave words of life and wisdom. Ripped the religious apart. Short and sweet. Longest sermon was the Sermon on the Mount which is just a few short chapters. Changed the world.

Paul. Admits himself in 2 Corinthians that he's boring. Long, monotonous, but to the point. Great at explaining things. But boring. His sentences wouldn't have gotten him through high school composition. Every sentence a run-on sentence in more than one way. Sucked up, beat up, then consoled. Changed the world.

How do I need to change my communication style?

How should you change yours?

On the Outside

I have not truly been a part of a church now since April. I love my new church Timberline Church in Fort Collins, CO www.timberlinechurch.org. But I can't say that I am a part of the church yet. I'm not really in place to volunteer and provide any help or service in any way, even though I would love to. I am leaving a position where I was in on almost every large decision in the church. I have interned in two different churches and been a huge part of at least one area of a church for over the past decade.

Now, I don't work in a church and I don't volunteer in a church. I simply attend. It's been nice but I can't wait to be a part of a church again. I really can't wait to be employed by a church again.

But there is something I've noticed being on the outside looking in. I've always played the "church game." Now I'm not. Lately God has spoken to me about grace and freedom and what that looks like. I have heard for years and years complaints about the church. The church is judgmental and condescending. I love God but hate church. People in church are mean and cruel. Church/Christianity is all about  dos and do nots. Now that I am on the outside, I can agree with something. There is validity in all that these people have said.

I now have experienced others being judgmental against me. I now see how the church is full of religious people who think there are better than others and "preach" at what others can and cannot do. 

I've been reading John lately and a few things stand out to me. One, Jesus was ALWAYS kind and generous toward common people. Jesus ALWAYS was judgmental and harsh toward the religious. Hm, where does that leave us? The religious are the ones that are in church and think they have things figured out, right? Wrong. Those are the ones that Jesus tore apart in his conversations and statements.

Also, who do we think we are to judge? We look at a person and we say that because of what they do and what they say and how they look tells us enough of how good of a Christian they are. Well, let me tell all of the "religious" out there. In the last couple months I have acted more "sinfully" then I ever did as a pastor yet I feel more freedom, grace, and love. Remember a few posts ago I told God that I didn't deserve to ask Him to help? He responded as telling me that I never did and I never will. 

When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was what did Jesus say? 1) Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, strength. 2) Love your neighbor as yourself.

Enough said.

What are your thoughts?

Loser

I am playing in a tennis tournament this week. In my first singles match I played against some 70 year old guy. I lost. I don't know what my deal is but every since coming to Colorado things have not gone my way. In tennis it used to be that I always had one shot I could count on when nothing else was going my way. That was my crosscourt forehand. I could hit it hard and I could put it where I wanted to on the other side of the court. But now that is gone. It disappeared. 

That got me thinking about my situation in life right now. I'm not good at my job. I can't play tennis anymore. I have one friend. I can't make people laugh anymore. My personality is a joke. Girls cringe at the sight of me. My gifts, talents, and abilities have all left. See, just like in tennis, I have always had something to rely on when all else goes wrong. I would just open up that personality of mine that I had and draw people in on charisma and humor. Yeah, I don't have any more either. So I have come to one conclusion...

I'm a loser.

It's kinda like that 3 Doors Down song. I'm a loser. I guess I used to rely on me and the promise of a future. Well, right now that promise of a future is a little dimmer, but I know it's still there. I've never lost sight of that. But maybe now it's time for me to make my future my present. I just don't know how all of a sudden I became a loser. I think I just have to look at my present reality and how I am performing in all aspects of my life. I am subpar in all of those areas. But I don't really know how to change that. I guess I'll just have to find that out.

A part of me wonders too how much of this is God related. I don't think God wants me to be a loser but I do think that God wants to break me down. Maybe this is one of the ways in which He chooses to do that. Maybe there are some other lessons that I must learn too. I don't really know. So the conclusion is that I am a loser. I don't say that is a pessimistic way, just a realistic way. I think that's where I'm at in life now.

Does anyone agree with me that I'm a loser?

Ever feel this way? What did you do about it?

The Good Weekend

Ironically, the last post was actually the ending of my good weekend as we do things a little out of order here. But I woke up on a Friday and took a shower. I know, I know...this obviously was something new in my life that if continued will change my life forever.

Anyway, it seems some of my best times with God are in the shower. Now, let me mention that my prayer life up to this point was not strong by any means. I didn't know what to say, what to pray for, or what to do. I was just lost when it came to prayer. It's not that I didn't want to and it's not that I was mad at God, I just felt so lost in life that I didn't even know what to do in prayer.

OK, back to the prayer. I can't tell you anything that was said or heard one way or another. It wasn't long, it was substantially powerful or passionate. But I got to a point where I wanted to ask God for something, I don't even remember what. I'm sure it had something to do with His help in my position in life. I was about to ask the question and stopped. Then I told God that I didn't feel that I deserved to ask that from Him.

I think the planet stopped revolving around the sun for two seconds. It felt that God dropped everything He was doing and stopped all of time for me. It was like I saw His face as it dropped in confusion and disbelief to my statement. Then God smiled and even chuckled as He said, "Matt, you have never deserved anything. That's not what I'm about. Do you remember grace? Maybe now you understand it?"

I stopped in my tracks. I forgot to breathe. I felt a feeling I hadn't felt in weeks. I smiled. I cried. I thanked God for His grace. I was amazed. Then I was reminded that when God tells us something it is something we will never forget.

Then the next day I found myself in the shower and having a very similar prayer. I didn't know what to pray about. Then I began to ask God for help again and stopped myself. This time I stopped myself midsentence as I began to tell God I wasn't worthy to ask the question and God laughed again. He said "My grace is all you need."

I spent quite of bit of time in the Bible over this weekend. I read 2 Corinthians and I've been reading John. God has pointed out so much stuff to me. He has begun to change my views on God and church and life and Christianity. 

When is the last time you had a weekend that was good and you and God just clicked?

When has God given you one small statement or question that has changed your life?

Hurricane Break Me (part deux)

After I finished this piece yesterday (despite the fact that it was by far the largest blog I've written in a long time) I realized I still had plenty more to say on the subject.

I used a few lyrics from a few songs yesterday and while that's all fine and dandy, but I felt the need to show how Scriptural this is. See, God has this crazy idea that He's King and He's in charge. Following the King theory...that makes us his subjects. Now, are you going to be a loyal one, a disobedient one, a willing one, or are you going to run away to another kingdom?

I must admit I don't normally think of God quite like this and I'm not sure if we are even supposed to or not. I'll think about that at another time.

Anyway...God, Kingdom, us, subjects. He wants to be in charge. He wants to call the shots. He wants to be the navigator. As long as He is not in charge or the Navigator than we are. That means we aren't living a life that He created us to live. And since He created us that way, that is when we are happiest and the most fruitful.

In the Bible - I know, I know, I probably shouldn't throw out Scripture - He countlessly refers to himself as King. In John 10, Jesus refers to Himself as the Shepherd and we are the sheep. And in a couple different places He tells us to follow His lead.

Mark 8:34-37 HCSB "If anyone wants to be My follower, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of Me and the gospel will save it. For what does it benefit a man to gain the whole world yet lose his life? What can a man give in exchange for his life?

God wants us broken to His will and to His purpose. After reading that passage can there really be any questions?

P.S. For those Christians out there reading this I urge you to take this at face value, don't dig too deep. I have done that and I think it caused me more harm than good. God is the God of steps. Only do the step that He is requiring of you.

The Flashlight

Remember the cave analogy? I said I felt like I was in a cave and the entrance was sealed off. I know that there is an exit somewhere but I don't have a map or any guidance at all. It's pitch black and I can't see where I'm going and I don't even have a flashlight. Well, my flashlight finally came. 

Without going into details on why I'm in this situation in the first place (I just don't feel that it's necessary) I will mention that there is a process I have to go through. The beginning of that process took a while but it finally came to a place where I was meeting "the guy" for me. This is the guy that finally gave me my "flashlight." He gave me some hope in which I could see a bit of where I am going. I now can see a little bit in front of me. I still don't know where the exit of the cave is, but at least there is some light in the darkness.

In due time, just a few weeks I hope, I will even be given a partial map. Knowing what lies ahead of me and knowing what are some things to expect will be a tremendous help. This is the day that I at least know where the flashlight is and can soon enough take hold of it.

Does this make any sense to any of you? Anything like this ever happen to you? Ever feel a moment that you know will be very significant for your future?

Hurricane Break Me

Alright, so I've already told many people how I have arrived it this situation. Most of the time I just take all of the blame myself. Well, that's because it is my fault. However, this started years ago when nobody was paying attention. 

Hurricane Break Me.

At least two years I ago I began to pray something. We're gonna call it Hurricane Break Me, but the truth is the Hurricane part did not exist then. We'll just ignore that for now though.

Hurricane Break Me.

I read a couple years ago to pray for brokenness. At first, I was skeptical about it. And I remained to be. There was a certain area of my life that I didn't want to give to God, mostly because I thought it would involved others and I did not think that would be fair. But, I decided to go ahead and start that prayer.

That's when the songs came up (a year later.) "Ruin My Life" by Jeff Johnson; "Break Me" by Interface; and recently "Hurricane" by Jimmy Needham. All of these songs have to do with being broken by God. Although "Ruin My Life" and "Hurricane" are shall we say....a bit more violent. These involve God taking control of our life.

"Ruin my life and the plans I have made, ruin desires for my own selfish gain. Destroy the idols that have taken your place, cuz it's You alone I live for, You alone I live for." Jeff Johnson

"I am Yours and You are mine, You know far better than I. And if destruction's what I need, Then I'll receive it Lord from Thee. Yes, I'll receive it Lord from Thee." Jimmy Needham

So there it is. I let these lyrics become my prayer. Little did I know that God (directly as a result of my dumb actions, of course) was going to strip me of all that I cared for most. My job, my house, my income, my security. However, it was worth it.

Let me say that one more time. It was worth it.

I challenge you, I dare you to go through the Bible and through everyone you now know that has gone through a period where God broke them down - from their pride, from their security, from their plans, from their idea of life for them - and you will NEVER a person in regret. 

I do not regret this process. I am already stronger, far stronger than before. And it's only been three months. 

Last October I helped out with some school assemblies with Reggie Dabbs. I was just helping wherever I could help. - set up, tear down, errand boy...whatever. I had lunch with Reggie and Steve Tripp (WNMD Student Ministries Director) and I told Reggie that I loved helping and I would love to do school assemblies like he does. Reggie looked at me and said, "No you don't."

Thanks Reggie for the encouragement.

Now, I understand why. There will be a day when someone will say that to me and now I cannot wait to look at that person and say, "No you don't." Let me tell you why. 

You don't want to go through what I had to go through to get to this point. That was Reggie's reasoning for me. The process of God making you the man/woman of God that you have to be is too difficult for most. Thank you God for answering my prayer!

Reggie, you are right. I don't want to be like you. I want to be me. I want to do what God has in store for me. Truthfully, I want the sense of accomplishment and anointing and fun that you had. I want to have so much passion for what I do that I will argue with anyone in the world that I have the best job in the world. That's really what I want.

Hurricane Break Me.

Just so you know, my prayer still has not changed. I continue to pray the same thing because I know that God is not done with me. I am willing to be broken.

Hurricane Break Me.

Are you willing to pray this prayer?

Hope for the Hopeless

Then came Monday. And eventually the weekend and the weekend after that. But in this post, let's just focus on Monday.

My alone time is coming to a close. My roommate Jered comes back from California on Tuesday. A huge catalyst for my horrible weekend actually came down to my job. Let's rewind from Monday for a bit. I have been trained, groomed, and gifted for ministry. I can't work in "ministry" any more so where do I work? And in the middle of a recession! I couldn't get a job anywhere and I was amazed. Finally I got a job selling Dish Network and DirecTV door to door. I'm not a very good salesman. So the catalyst for my tough weekend was that I was failing at my job.

So finally on Monday I decided to call someone and share my frustrations and probably even some tears. So I called a close friend of mine, Bill. Bill and I talked for a bit and then I just stopped him and told him what was going on with me. I shed some tears and I told him about how hopeless I felt. Never in my life have I felt hopeless. This was definitely a first for that. So my friend got to the bottom of my issues as we talked. He tried to give me some hope and it worked as well as it could. I write this blog two weeks after that conversation and I cannot you with certainty that this was the conversation that turned myself around, but I can tell you it gave me enough hope to cling to as I pursued the rest of my life.

When have to felt hopeless in life? What was it like? What finally gave you the first bit of hope?

Tough Weekend

Fourth of July. A time of celebration, a time of fun, and time of excitement. It's a weekend that sees barbecues and fireworks. We watch movies and remember the independence that we now have. Now that's a word - independence. What exactly does that mean? Now I'm getting off track. That's in a few posts as well.

But for me and this 4th of July I feel no celebration and I feel no independence. This is the weekend that God wrote "gut check" on his Matt DeSmidt calendar. And gut check it was. For the first time since April I was alone. Alone with nothing but my thoughts, my demons, and my God. For five straight days. Alone. No friends, no phone calls, no fun, no smiles, no love. Just me, my demons, and God.

I spent for the 4th of July in tears wondering what happened to me. I waited all day for a phone call from someone, anyone. I received none. I sat thinking about what the rest of the nation was doing on a beautiful day. And I just sat there...doing nothing...but being tortured with my thoughts. I felt that everyone had abandoned me, including God. I knew God was there and I even knew as I went through the weekend that this was the time I needed to have. It was the weekend in which my situation finally confronted me. I realized that I had never confronted everything because I didn't have to. But now that I was alone I had to.

While this was a very tough weekend...it was the weekend I had to have to grow in the future.

Can you remember a really tough time in your life that you would like to share at all?

Just a heads up

Just wanted to let all 3 of you know that what I have written and what will come out in the next week and a half is just mostly a story and a timeline of my last few weeks. Just because you are reading about the first part of the journey does not mean that I am still in that journey.

Truth is, I want to let it be known, is that right now I am doing very well. I will be posting about how I am currently doing soon enough. Just hold on for that part of the ride. I expect this to be one long and bumpy ride.

Negativity

My goal in these posts is not to be negative and pessimistic. There are more posts to come that are going to be pessimistic in nature. Sorry, but that's where I'm at in life. In no way am I suicidal and in no way am I going to give up, but hope is the last thing on earth that I think I will be possessing soon. 

I know that my last post may be tough for some to swallow. Well, please don't be offended, but many of you are in a position where you don't have to swallow that truth. I don't have a choice. I don't say this to be confrontational or difficult. I do not say it in a bitter tone. It's just that I have been faced with a very difficult transition and since I am in the beginning stages of that transition these are my honest thoughts that I am allowing the world to see.

There is another question I have been asked recently. That question is "How have you and God been?" I don't like this question either. Pause. Really long pause.

Even now as I type I don't know how to answer this. It's a loaded question. Another long pause. 

Like I said, I don't really know how to answer this and that's because so much has changed. I do not blame God for my situation one bit. Not for one second. I already know what has happened and who is to blame. Me. 100% me. I am not disillusioned at all. I am not confused about that at all. All me. I got myself into this, but I don't think I can get myself out.

How am I doing with God? It's a process and it's been difficult. My reason for existence (obviously that's not true, but it is how I feel right now) is no longer a part of me. The things that are going through my mind right now are thoughts I may not have ever had before.

My ending answer is that God is dealing with me as only He can. It is in His timing and in His way. I don't think that many others would be OK with how God is dealing with me but I assure you that the Holy Spirit is speaking and is not being ignored, but it is slow moving yet powerful. There are things I am being taught and things I am revisiting that are incredible. It's probably fair to say that many of future posts will continue to answer this question.

I am writing this for two reasons. As mentioned before I want others to know that struggle in transition is OK. Struggle is OK. Questioning God and His plan is OK. God can handle it. We always think that it's sacrilegious to struggle in our relationship with Christ. I say absolutely not. And the second reason I write this is to chronicle my thoughts in this time because I don't want to forget it. I just decided that I don't care if anyone else reads it. Whether it's just for myself or if millions of others read it, I don't care. That said, if you are reading this and you are intrigued and maybe benefited, feel free to share it with others. Just leave comments and feel free to start discussion.

What is God saying to you right now?

Who am I? Who are you?

I have been asked countless times in the past couple months "how are you doing?" Well....let me see....if one truly wants an answer a) I am not sure that you have the time b) I am not sure that you can handle it. So in short I say I am doing as well as one can. That is the truth. But let me ask you a question ---

If someone took away all that you were then who would you be?

Being a youth pastor meant everything to me. I loved it. There were things I didn't like, but I loved my job as a whole. In fact, now that I look back I see all the things I wish I would have done better and how I would have done it. But I loved ministry. It has now been taken away from me. The thing that began to define my life and the thing that I wanted to define my life was taken. Being in youth ministry was EVERYTHING to me!

Who am I now?

This is the question that I cannot answer or do not want to answer. Who am I now? The one thing in life that I looked forward to and wanted to do since I was 13 is now gone. The one thing that I trained myself for and prepared myself for is gone. The thing I dreamed about at night and the thing that got me up in the morning is gone. My life, my passion, my hopes, my dreams, my future, my career, my income, my joy, my hope is now gone. My identity has been stolen...who am I now?

What is your identity? What would you do if you lost your greatest passion?

My Greatest Transition

Many months ago (I don't remember how many) I decided to start blogging. I wondered what to call my blog or what to blog about. I realized that at the time I was going through many transitions in life and I realized that there are many out there that go through very difficult transitions in life with little to no guidance. This includes almost anyone in their twenties as well as high school and college graduates.

Little did I know that my most difficult transition was still in front of me. Without going into detail I will inform any readers out there (what? maybe 3 of you) that I recently lost my job in April. All of a sudden I was without a home, without a job, without purpose, without hope. I was confused, angry (at myself), and hopeless. 

It was like being thrown into a cave and the entrance is sealed off without a map, without direction, without a flashlight. Everything is pitch black with no one there to help. I hear a lot of voices all around about what I can do and what my options are, but all of these opinions contradict one another and no one really understands me in the first place. Now, I know that there is a way out but when I cannot even see to put one foot out to walk it's hard to think about getting out.

So here it is - I now enter the hardest transition of my life. Please continue to read and follow me in my search for something. Follow me in my quest for restoration. Follow me as I fight for my life and I fight to become even more than my former self. Follow me as I go forward in life.