Hurricane Break Me

Alright, so I've already told many people how I have arrived it this situation. Most of the time I just take all of the blame myself. Well, that's because it is my fault. However, this started years ago when nobody was paying attention. 

Hurricane Break Me.

At least two years I ago I began to pray something. We're gonna call it Hurricane Break Me, but the truth is the Hurricane part did not exist then. We'll just ignore that for now though.

Hurricane Break Me.

I read a couple years ago to pray for brokenness. At first, I was skeptical about it. And I remained to be. There was a certain area of my life that I didn't want to give to God, mostly because I thought it would involved others and I did not think that would be fair. But, I decided to go ahead and start that prayer.

That's when the songs came up (a year later.) "Ruin My Life" by Jeff Johnson; "Break Me" by Interface; and recently "Hurricane" by Jimmy Needham. All of these songs have to do with being broken by God. Although "Ruin My Life" and "Hurricane" are shall we say....a bit more violent. These involve God taking control of our life.

"Ruin my life and the plans I have made, ruin desires for my own selfish gain. Destroy the idols that have taken your place, cuz it's You alone I live for, You alone I live for." Jeff Johnson

"I am Yours and You are mine, You know far better than I. And if destruction's what I need, Then I'll receive it Lord from Thee. Yes, I'll receive it Lord from Thee." Jimmy Needham

So there it is. I let these lyrics become my prayer. Little did I know that God (directly as a result of my dumb actions, of course) was going to strip me of all that I cared for most. My job, my house, my income, my security. However, it was worth it.

Let me say that one more time. It was worth it.

I challenge you, I dare you to go through the Bible and through everyone you now know that has gone through a period where God broke them down - from their pride, from their security, from their plans, from their idea of life for them - and you will NEVER a person in regret. 

I do not regret this process. I am already stronger, far stronger than before. And it's only been three months. 

Last October I helped out with some school assemblies with Reggie Dabbs. I was just helping wherever I could help. - set up, tear down, errand boy...whatever. I had lunch with Reggie and Steve Tripp (WNMD Student Ministries Director) and I told Reggie that I loved helping and I would love to do school assemblies like he does. Reggie looked at me and said, "No you don't."

Thanks Reggie for the encouragement.

Now, I understand why. There will be a day when someone will say that to me and now I cannot wait to look at that person and say, "No you don't." Let me tell you why. 

You don't want to go through what I had to go through to get to this point. That was Reggie's reasoning for me. The process of God making you the man/woman of God that you have to be is too difficult for most. Thank you God for answering my prayer!

Reggie, you are right. I don't want to be like you. I want to be me. I want to do what God has in store for me. Truthfully, I want the sense of accomplishment and anointing and fun that you had. I want to have so much passion for what I do that I will argue with anyone in the world that I have the best job in the world. That's really what I want.

Hurricane Break Me.

Just so you know, my prayer still has not changed. I continue to pray the same thing because I know that God is not done with me. I am willing to be broken.

Hurricane Break Me.

Are you willing to pray this prayer?

Hope for the Hopeless

Then came Monday. And eventually the weekend and the weekend after that. But in this post, let's just focus on Monday.

My alone time is coming to a close. My roommate Jered comes back from California on Tuesday. A huge catalyst for my horrible weekend actually came down to my job. Let's rewind from Monday for a bit. I have been trained, groomed, and gifted for ministry. I can't work in "ministry" any more so where do I work? And in the middle of a recession! I couldn't get a job anywhere and I was amazed. Finally I got a job selling Dish Network and DirecTV door to door. I'm not a very good salesman. So the catalyst for my tough weekend was that I was failing at my job.

So finally on Monday I decided to call someone and share my frustrations and probably even some tears. So I called a close friend of mine, Bill. Bill and I talked for a bit and then I just stopped him and told him what was going on with me. I shed some tears and I told him about how hopeless I felt. Never in my life have I felt hopeless. This was definitely a first for that. So my friend got to the bottom of my issues as we talked. He tried to give me some hope and it worked as well as it could. I write this blog two weeks after that conversation and I cannot you with certainty that this was the conversation that turned myself around, but I can tell you it gave me enough hope to cling to as I pursued the rest of my life.

When have to felt hopeless in life? What was it like? What finally gave you the first bit of hope?

Tough Weekend

Fourth of July. A time of celebration, a time of fun, and time of excitement. It's a weekend that sees barbecues and fireworks. We watch movies and remember the independence that we now have. Now that's a word - independence. What exactly does that mean? Now I'm getting off track. That's in a few posts as well.

But for me and this 4th of July I feel no celebration and I feel no independence. This is the weekend that God wrote "gut check" on his Matt DeSmidt calendar. And gut check it was. For the first time since April I was alone. Alone with nothing but my thoughts, my demons, and my God. For five straight days. Alone. No friends, no phone calls, no fun, no smiles, no love. Just me, my demons, and God.

I spent for the 4th of July in tears wondering what happened to me. I waited all day for a phone call from someone, anyone. I received none. I sat thinking about what the rest of the nation was doing on a beautiful day. And I just sat there...doing nothing...but being tortured with my thoughts. I felt that everyone had abandoned me, including God. I knew God was there and I even knew as I went through the weekend that this was the time I needed to have. It was the weekend in which my situation finally confronted me. I realized that I had never confronted everything because I didn't have to. But now that I was alone I had to.

While this was a very tough weekend...it was the weekend I had to have to grow in the future.

Can you remember a really tough time in your life that you would like to share at all?

Just a heads up

Just wanted to let all 3 of you know that what I have written and what will come out in the next week and a half is just mostly a story and a timeline of my last few weeks. Just because you are reading about the first part of the journey does not mean that I am still in that journey.

Truth is, I want to let it be known, is that right now I am doing very well. I will be posting about how I am currently doing soon enough. Just hold on for that part of the ride. I expect this to be one long and bumpy ride.

Negativity

My goal in these posts is not to be negative and pessimistic. There are more posts to come that are going to be pessimistic in nature. Sorry, but that's where I'm at in life. In no way am I suicidal and in no way am I going to give up, but hope is the last thing on earth that I think I will be possessing soon. 

I know that my last post may be tough for some to swallow. Well, please don't be offended, but many of you are in a position where you don't have to swallow that truth. I don't have a choice. I don't say this to be confrontational or difficult. I do not say it in a bitter tone. It's just that I have been faced with a very difficult transition and since I am in the beginning stages of that transition these are my honest thoughts that I am allowing the world to see.

There is another question I have been asked recently. That question is "How have you and God been?" I don't like this question either. Pause. Really long pause.

Even now as I type I don't know how to answer this. It's a loaded question. Another long pause. 

Like I said, I don't really know how to answer this and that's because so much has changed. I do not blame God for my situation one bit. Not for one second. I already know what has happened and who is to blame. Me. 100% me. I am not disillusioned at all. I am not confused about that at all. All me. I got myself into this, but I don't think I can get myself out.

How am I doing with God? It's a process and it's been difficult. My reason for existence (obviously that's not true, but it is how I feel right now) is no longer a part of me. The things that are going through my mind right now are thoughts I may not have ever had before.

My ending answer is that God is dealing with me as only He can. It is in His timing and in His way. I don't think that many others would be OK with how God is dealing with me but I assure you that the Holy Spirit is speaking and is not being ignored, but it is slow moving yet powerful. There are things I am being taught and things I am revisiting that are incredible. It's probably fair to say that many of future posts will continue to answer this question.

I am writing this for two reasons. As mentioned before I want others to know that struggle in transition is OK. Struggle is OK. Questioning God and His plan is OK. God can handle it. We always think that it's sacrilegious to struggle in our relationship with Christ. I say absolutely not. And the second reason I write this is to chronicle my thoughts in this time because I don't want to forget it. I just decided that I don't care if anyone else reads it. Whether it's just for myself or if millions of others read it, I don't care. That said, if you are reading this and you are intrigued and maybe benefited, feel free to share it with others. Just leave comments and feel free to start discussion.

What is God saying to you right now?

Who am I? Who are you?

I have been asked countless times in the past couple months "how are you doing?" Well....let me see....if one truly wants an answer a) I am not sure that you have the time b) I am not sure that you can handle it. So in short I say I am doing as well as one can. That is the truth. But let me ask you a question ---

If someone took away all that you were then who would you be?

Being a youth pastor meant everything to me. I loved it. There were things I didn't like, but I loved my job as a whole. In fact, now that I look back I see all the things I wish I would have done better and how I would have done it. But I loved ministry. It has now been taken away from me. The thing that began to define my life and the thing that I wanted to define my life was taken. Being in youth ministry was EVERYTHING to me!

Who am I now?

This is the question that I cannot answer or do not want to answer. Who am I now? The one thing in life that I looked forward to and wanted to do since I was 13 is now gone. The one thing that I trained myself for and prepared myself for is gone. The thing I dreamed about at night and the thing that got me up in the morning is gone. My life, my passion, my hopes, my dreams, my future, my career, my income, my joy, my hope is now gone. My identity has been stolen...who am I now?

What is your identity? What would you do if you lost your greatest passion?

My Greatest Transition

Many months ago (I don't remember how many) I decided to start blogging. I wondered what to call my blog or what to blog about. I realized that at the time I was going through many transitions in life and I realized that there are many out there that go through very difficult transitions in life with little to no guidance. This includes almost anyone in their twenties as well as high school and college graduates.

Little did I know that my most difficult transition was still in front of me. Without going into detail I will inform any readers out there (what? maybe 3 of you) that I recently lost my job in April. All of a sudden I was without a home, without a job, without purpose, without hope. I was confused, angry (at myself), and hopeless. 

It was like being thrown into a cave and the entrance is sealed off without a map, without direction, without a flashlight. Everything is pitch black with no one there to help. I hear a lot of voices all around about what I can do and what my options are, but all of these opinions contradict one another and no one really understands me in the first place. Now, I know that there is a way out but when I cannot even see to put one foot out to walk it's hard to think about getting out.

So here it is - I now enter the hardest transition of my life. Please continue to read and follow me in my search for something. Follow me in my quest for restoration. Follow me as I fight for my life and I fight to become even more than my former self. Follow me as I go forward in life.