Tough Weekend

Fourth of July. A time of celebration, a time of fun, and time of excitement. It's a weekend that sees barbecues and fireworks. We watch movies and remember the independence that we now have. Now that's a word - independence. What exactly does that mean? Now I'm getting off track. That's in a few posts as well.

But for me and this 4th of July I feel no celebration and I feel no independence. This is the weekend that God wrote "gut check" on his Matt DeSmidt calendar. And gut check it was. For the first time since April I was alone. Alone with nothing but my thoughts, my demons, and my God. For five straight days. Alone. No friends, no phone calls, no fun, no smiles, no love. Just me, my demons, and God.

I spent for the 4th of July in tears wondering what happened to me. I waited all day for a phone call from someone, anyone. I received none. I sat thinking about what the rest of the nation was doing on a beautiful day. And I just sat there...doing nothing...but being tortured with my thoughts. I felt that everyone had abandoned me, including God. I knew God was there and I even knew as I went through the weekend that this was the time I needed to have. It was the weekend in which my situation finally confronted me. I realized that I had never confronted everything because I didn't have to. But now that I was alone I had to.

While this was a very tough weekend...it was the weekend I had to have to grow in the future.

Can you remember a really tough time in your life that you would like to share at all?

Just a heads up

Just wanted to let all 3 of you know that what I have written and what will come out in the next week and a half is just mostly a story and a timeline of my last few weeks. Just because you are reading about the first part of the journey does not mean that I am still in that journey.

Truth is, I want to let it be known, is that right now I am doing very well. I will be posting about how I am currently doing soon enough. Just hold on for that part of the ride. I expect this to be one long and bumpy ride.

Negativity

My goal in these posts is not to be negative and pessimistic. There are more posts to come that are going to be pessimistic in nature. Sorry, but that's where I'm at in life. In no way am I suicidal and in no way am I going to give up, but hope is the last thing on earth that I think I will be possessing soon. 

I know that my last post may be tough for some to swallow. Well, please don't be offended, but many of you are in a position where you don't have to swallow that truth. I don't have a choice. I don't say this to be confrontational or difficult. I do not say it in a bitter tone. It's just that I have been faced with a very difficult transition and since I am in the beginning stages of that transition these are my honest thoughts that I am allowing the world to see.

There is another question I have been asked recently. That question is "How have you and God been?" I don't like this question either. Pause. Really long pause.

Even now as I type I don't know how to answer this. It's a loaded question. Another long pause. 

Like I said, I don't really know how to answer this and that's because so much has changed. I do not blame God for my situation one bit. Not for one second. I already know what has happened and who is to blame. Me. 100% me. I am not disillusioned at all. I am not confused about that at all. All me. I got myself into this, but I don't think I can get myself out.

How am I doing with God? It's a process and it's been difficult. My reason for existence (obviously that's not true, but it is how I feel right now) is no longer a part of me. The things that are going through my mind right now are thoughts I may not have ever had before.

My ending answer is that God is dealing with me as only He can. It is in His timing and in His way. I don't think that many others would be OK with how God is dealing with me but I assure you that the Holy Spirit is speaking and is not being ignored, but it is slow moving yet powerful. There are things I am being taught and things I am revisiting that are incredible. It's probably fair to say that many of future posts will continue to answer this question.

I am writing this for two reasons. As mentioned before I want others to know that struggle in transition is OK. Struggle is OK. Questioning God and His plan is OK. God can handle it. We always think that it's sacrilegious to struggle in our relationship with Christ. I say absolutely not. And the second reason I write this is to chronicle my thoughts in this time because I don't want to forget it. I just decided that I don't care if anyone else reads it. Whether it's just for myself or if millions of others read it, I don't care. That said, if you are reading this and you are intrigued and maybe benefited, feel free to share it with others. Just leave comments and feel free to start discussion.

What is God saying to you right now?

Who am I? Who are you?

I have been asked countless times in the past couple months "how are you doing?" Well....let me see....if one truly wants an answer a) I am not sure that you have the time b) I am not sure that you can handle it. So in short I say I am doing as well as one can. That is the truth. But let me ask you a question ---

If someone took away all that you were then who would you be?

Being a youth pastor meant everything to me. I loved it. There were things I didn't like, but I loved my job as a whole. In fact, now that I look back I see all the things I wish I would have done better and how I would have done it. But I loved ministry. It has now been taken away from me. The thing that began to define my life and the thing that I wanted to define my life was taken. Being in youth ministry was EVERYTHING to me!

Who am I now?

This is the question that I cannot answer or do not want to answer. Who am I now? The one thing in life that I looked forward to and wanted to do since I was 13 is now gone. The one thing that I trained myself for and prepared myself for is gone. The thing I dreamed about at night and the thing that got me up in the morning is gone. My life, my passion, my hopes, my dreams, my future, my career, my income, my joy, my hope is now gone. My identity has been stolen...who am I now?

What is your identity? What would you do if you lost your greatest passion?

My Greatest Transition

Many months ago (I don't remember how many) I decided to start blogging. I wondered what to call my blog or what to blog about. I realized that at the time I was going through many transitions in life and I realized that there are many out there that go through very difficult transitions in life with little to no guidance. This includes almost anyone in their twenties as well as high school and college graduates.

Little did I know that my most difficult transition was still in front of me. Without going into detail I will inform any readers out there (what? maybe 3 of you) that I recently lost my job in April. All of a sudden I was without a home, without a job, without purpose, without hope. I was confused, angry (at myself), and hopeless. 

It was like being thrown into a cave and the entrance is sealed off without a map, without direction, without a flashlight. Everything is pitch black with no one there to help. I hear a lot of voices all around about what I can do and what my options are, but all of these opinions contradict one another and no one really understands me in the first place. Now, I know that there is a way out but when I cannot even see to put one foot out to walk it's hard to think about getting out.

So here it is - I now enter the hardest transition of my life. Please continue to read and follow me in my search for something. Follow me in my quest for restoration. Follow me as I fight for my life and I fight to become even more than my former self. Follow me as I go forward in life.

Being Mad

I've heard it many times in my life whenever the discussion of future, life, dreams, purpose, career, or anything like that comes up. I've ever said it myself. If there is anything that truly makes you made, so mad that you have to do something about it - then do it. That is what you are supposed to do.

Well, I had a catalyst moment in my life a few weeks ago in which I truly got mad about a lot. Once that began to happen I eventually realized that one of the reasons I am mad is because it is me. God also told me the reason that I can't do anything about it now is because I have not yet dealt with it in my life.

God's words are tough to swallow most of the time. I am thankful for that. If it was easy then God wouldn't be amazing to me. I love how I can listen to thousands of words spoken and written and isn't even worth remembering...but when God whispers a word or a phrase it cannot be ignored and is usually life altering.

Thank you God. Please continue to bombard me with conviction from your Holy Spirit.

Crazy Love

So, I know I haven't blogged in months. That is how important what I am about to say is. Crazy Love by Francis Chan in one of the most amazing books I have ever had the pleasure reading.

Seriously, read this book. I'd love to tell you all about it and how much it has spoken into my life, but I don't have the time nor the energy. But what I will say is this - if you can get through Chapter 4 without completely evaluating your life than you are definately a better man than me. And then maybe you should reread it once or twice more.

Crazy Love by Francis Chan - a must read.